Creativity and anxiety don’t mix.

I am happy to report I am writing from a place of calmer perspective than my last post. Having come down with a cold at work on Friday I took the weekend to rest and get some things done and do some thinking about writing, about my current lifestyle and concluded some changes need to be made.

Firstly, as I have said before this is not a personal blog, but it’s time to come clean about my anxiety. Sometimes it becomes out of control and often I have to really fight to stop it preventing me from doing the things I want to do. This has been a bit of a problem recently, and as I have expressed before about feeling comfortable and writing, anxiety does not work with me when trying to write. Sometimes it is self-perpetuating as well, so for example, if I don’t write for whatever reason, I then panic about my whole life going down the toilet and having no career to speak of, meaning I do even less writing….then I have to put the brakes on. Ultimately, I won’t ever achieve my dream if I’m not looking after myself properly, so my focus has to shift to that-so it may be I’m not so regular on this blog for the moment, we’ll see. I have to learn to live a little less apologetically I think…sorry!

Secondly, even in light of this revelation, I feel ok. This evening in particular, I feel empowered, determined, optimistic. Often the hardest thing is just accepting you need to make a change. But I think now that I have, I feel comforted, inspired and strong. Life is far too short to not enjoy, thrive and succeed. In my previous post (Getting Ready for Round Two) I asked myself where the younger version of myself had gone.  That person, that time has passed. I’m a new and different woman every day and I need to embrace and celebrate that. Some days I won’t like myself (like most women!) but other days will be much better. I need to stay positive and humble.

I thought I’d share a lovely Ben Howard song that I believe he wrote for his sister (aww!). It encourages me to stay strong and steadfast. The things which I am impatient for I’m sure will come, if I work hard and live well.

So for now, I’m going to have a hot chocolate and read more of The Handmaid’s Tale and take it easy. I’ve set myself one goal for this week though and that’s to begin to contact the agents I listed. Driving home from work today I fantasied about one saying yes. Could happen, but not if I don’t send them. So that’s a positive step I can take in my own time with no deadlines, no worries or pressures. Then this weekend I think I’ll treat myself to a couple of hours in front of my laptop and think about nothing else but Wendy’s House; to throw myself in and simply enjoy no matter what comes out. Hopefully that’ll be the start of something new.

Thanks to Pinterest once again for tonight’s quote: https://uk.pinterest.com/pin/6333255704655743/

 

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