So this weekend I made another list of more agents to send Latest Mistake to. I confess I did so sadly. Why? Well, it’s a reminder that I am still no closer to achieving my dream. It’s a reminder that some of the really big agents have already said no. It’s a reminder that all I do is wait, wait for someone to tell me it’s ok to do the thing I want to do. It certainly makes self-publishing a much brighter/easier prospect.
In complete truth-I’m terrified. I’m terrified I’ll never succeed. I’m terrified I’m not good enough. I’m terrified that I am wasting time, energy and resources. Although this sounds overwhelmingly defeatist this has already been proven by the fact that my last round of agents was unsuccessful. It was unsuccessful as my work wasn’t good enough. The problem with tackling these thoughts, because I do need to tackle them, is that they are rooted in truth. I was reading chunks of Latest Mistake for my previous blog post (Latest Mistake-the film cast) and perhaps it was because I was feeling negative (Liam Hemsworth can only cheer you up so much!), but I was being really nit-picky, really critical and my affectionate for it waned. I’ve got a very special place in my heart for it, but my previous vigour, enthusiasm and optimism is nowhere to be seen. I feel as time goes on, I become more and more cynical and not just in this matter. Where is that younger version of myself who believed I could do anything, be anything, achieve anything, if I only just worked hard for it?
These thoughts will be temporary I’m sure, and I have to remind myself I have achievements to be proud of, even though I am not where I hope to be with my career yet. And of course if I don’t try, I’ll be in the same position I am now and it makes no sense to stand still, especially when feeling this way. And if the agents don’t succeed, I have self-publishing as a back-up plan. To be fair, it sounds like a solid back-up plan, so I shouldn’t worry really, but I do, day and night. I truly hope to look back at this and laugh one day. Perhaps next time, I’ll think about writing about the ways I try to manage anxiety as a creative person; it’s certainly isn’t easy. My good friend Mish (of Michelle Abrahall designs) reminded me that a little fear is good, and I trust her completely, but I’m not sure I’m managing it so well this time round.
In the meantime, I’ll focus on getting some submissions sent out, and Wendy’s House. It’s nice to see William in my head, with his blond hair and thick rimmed glasses and Wendy with her long, red hair; at least they’re still sticking around.